1. On Friday, while meeting with supporters at a local church in Alabama, President Trump signed multiple copies of the Bible. It is the most regrettable thing Trump has put his name on since Don Jr.
2. An Oregon man, who was stranded in his snowbound SUV with his dog, told rescuers he survived for five days solely on Taco Bell sauce packets. Thus reaffirming what we already knew, Taco Bell fire sauce goes great with dog meat.
3. A doughnut shop in Florida is selling a $1000 doughnut that is topped with 24-karat gold and Cristal champagne. So, if you live in Florida and have a grand to spare, enjoy the extra thousand dollars worth of meth.
4. Sunday night, filmmaker Spike Lee won his first ever Oscar. In response, Lee lowered his demands to 30 acres and a mule.
5. Last weekend, after accepting the Best Actor Oscar for his role in “Bohemian Rhapsody” the Freddie Mercury bio-pic, actor Rami Malek accidentally fell off the stage. Or, he’s already starting prepping for his next role, ‘Frasier’ the Kelsey Grammar biopic:
6. On Tuesday, several members of the Portland Trailblazers were stuck for over thirty minutes in an malfunctioning elevator. Even worse, one time Rob Gronkowski was stuck for three days on a broken escalator:
7. North Carolina authorities have jailed a wife for allegedly impersonating her daughter in court. “Wait, they were two different people?” asked a confused Woody Allen.
8. On Thursday, Israel’s attorney general announced corruption charges against Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu just 40 days before his re-election. Experts called the timing of the charges worrisome, while James Comey called it perfect.
9. On Friday, Alabama Republican Roy Moore, whose unsuccessful 2017 Senate campaign was marred by allegations he sexually pursued teenage girls while in his 30s, said he may again run for the Senate. It’s like Moore always says, if at first you don’t succeed, find a different fifteen year old girl.
10. Michael Cohen, the former personal lawyer of President Donald Trump, on Thursday sued the Trump Organization, saying it reneged on its obligation to reimburse him for millions of dollars of legal fees. “Wait, you’re getting paid for this!?!?!” asked Rudy Giuliani.
11. A Florida woman who once owned the day spa where Patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly solicited sexual acts, watched the Super Bowl with President Donald Trump. Begging the question, how did that criminal get that level of security clearance, also what was that spa owner doing there?
12. A new report about the close relationship between Fox News and President Donald Trump says the President personally asked a top White House aide to make sure the Justice Department stopped AT&T from purchasing Time Warner. “If you want to prevent them from merging, I suggest making them sleep in different rooms,” said Melania.
13. According to a new study, when parents of boys don’t spend a lot of time playing or talking with them, their sons may be more likely to use guns in adolescence. You don’t say:
14. On Wednesday, singer R Kelly was taken into custody for failure to pay child support. Said the child in question, “You know what, I’m good.”
15. In a legal brief filed Wednesday with the Supreme Court, rappers Killer Mike, Chance the Rapper, Meek Mill, Yo Gotti, Fat Joe, and 21 Savage claimed Jamal Knox’s rap song “F*** the Police” is a “political statement” and “not a true threat of violence.” They also added that Sir Mix-a-lot has, at best, mixed emotion about larger posteriors.
16. According to a new survey, Americans are consuming more gourmet coffee than ever. Message received:
